My Life Is an Indian Version OF SEX AND CITY!

Have you watched Sex and City? Well, I binged watched it and I can't deny, I wanted everything that Carrie had. Literally everything. To think of the life I have built now. Probably, I have set up a standard for myself "the Carrie way." 

I didn't exactly put my mind on it, yet it is happening. I am a writer from a small town and here I am in this big city all alone striving to have my novel out! Let's definitely minus the "a lot of one night stands, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda."  

I am an Indian and my mum will hit me with a chappal if she happens to see me writing about my sex life. Let's stick to what I know best though. Mental health. 

Are you happy? Have you ever asked this question to yourself?

I remember faking happiness for the past two years of my life. Did you know that "pretending to be happy" can really suck the life out of you? Because once you take the mask off, you will end up breaking into a million pieces. 

Each time I was abused,  I broke into pieces. It took me weeks to recollect myself and put me into one piece. Anxiety started attacking me. I was nervous when I was in a crowd. 

Me? Nervous? Unbelievable right? I am a peacock! I love attention and I usually rule crowds like I own them. But I started hiding behind someone's shadow. I don't want to be seen. I wish I disappeared instead.

When I found out that my self-esteem dropped and I can no longer charm people with my confidence, I ran to my comfort zone, my room. I didn't want to leave it. I didn't want to meet anyone. I was happy to cancel meetups. I'm glad that I am a woman so I can use "sorry, menses cramps" as a reason to avoid anything at any time. 

Only when the man I loved verbally abused me in front of some people at Lowyat, (*that's a story for another day) I understood my self-worth. Believe it or not, I walked out of that relationship at that second. All he knew was that he verbally abused me, then he asked me out for dinner after that casually like nothing happened.

 But little did he know, that when he was verbally abusing me, all of sudden my entire future flashed out in front of me.

If this man is not going to show me respect now, he never will. That is what it took to get me out of one of the most toxic relationship ever. It felt super liberating to finally be able to walk out of it. 

Back to the question, "am I truly happy?" Yes, I am. Extremely happy. Happy that I found myself back. Happy that my writer's block days are over. Happy that I am feeling more empowered with my life. 

That girl, she was always full of ideas. She writes about what she feels and never felt insecure about her.

 She is back. She is definitely back! And this time she has nothing to lose :)

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